THE MEDIOCRE RALLY

'Cause I promised sexgod Jean that if he got to the final I would come see him and 'cause I wanted to experience this dumbass thing too for once I went to the Rock Rally, here's what I saw:
KRAKOW: saw only one song and it was slow and boring
RYE something: very pretentious assholes playing very mediocre crap, the dumb redhead that presented the thing pronounced their name wrong so they said it again when they came on and when they won third price (they were pissed) the dumb old juryfart said it wrong again, it was funny, that's what you get for having a stupid bandname (more stupid bandnames to come by the way)
BALTHAZAR: first decent band of the night, weird pop meets prog or something like that, they reminded me of Bobby Conn, which is great. Not surprisingly they won the price of the public not 'cause of the music but because their violinplayer was real damn hot and didn't mind showing of (a big part of) her fantastic tits!
TOYOTA: even more pretention and mediocrity. By this time I ran into the Jean-fanclub and will have commentary from Hypnos 69-bassgod Leather Tom: bad bassplayer doing dumb, dumb, dumb.
FREAKY AGE: teenage rock'n'rollers, not bad but they need to get fucked and get fucked up, no bassplayer so no Leather Tom.
GOO DARLING: loud and rocking, with that incredibly hot drummer (if there would've been more girls (and homos) than boys in the club they would've won the price of the public), they didn't win but they never had a chance 'cause I like 'em and I never liked a band that won the Rock Rally. Leather Tom: bad bassplayer.
REVENGE 88: old farts rocking out, it was great! Best lyrics of the night: 'Keep your pussy satisfied' and 'Belgium ain't no fun no more'! Leather Tom: they should've done a Guns'N'Roses song.
THE HICKEY UNDERWORLD: another stupid bandname and the most mediocre band of the night, I didn't like 'em, I didn't hate 'em, I didn't care so of course they won! They even had a mediocre bassplayer 'cause I don't remember Leather Tom had something to say about him.
THE SHELTER TAPES: the highlight of the night, a band you love to hate, a band made to hate! A bunch of boring hippies with the dumbest lyrics you ever heard in your life, 'Love is in your heart, love is in your heart for me', I HATED THEM, but at least they gave me violent fantasies! I love violent fantasies! If they want to have something worse than a didgeridoo to fuck up their next album the Flowers for the Few can ask these guys to gueststar. The bassplayer played harmonica and bass at the same time in one song, Leather Tom wasn't impressed. Christian Rock fan Jesse was. Jesse by the way is watching way to many Jim TV and saw lesbians everywhere, too bad I didn't.
THE BLACKBOX REVELATION: yet another stupid bandname, where do they get these atrocities? Pretty cool rock'n'roll with nice fuzzed out wahwahsoloing, the Stooges meet the Stones when they weren't oversexed alcoholic junkies yet. So more fucking and boozing guys! Very surprisingly they won second price! No bassplayer so no Leather Tom.
By this time I had it with the wannabe hipsters, the desperate old farts and the over the hill rockstars (=the audience) so I went home and watched the grand finale on my computer. It was hilarious! The winners got booed! HAHAHA! And the jury looked like they just shat their pants! Then the dumb redhead almost started apoligizing for the jury's bad taste, 'We really liked them' and so on, hahaha, and the singer almost started crying:'Come on, people, it's only a competition.' A competition that won you 10.000 fucking euros for being mister mediocrity. So why did you join then, motherfucker?

I cleansed my ears, brain and soul that night with 2 bottles of wine and some real rock'n'roll (the new Mudhoney, Deep Wound, Pentagram and the Deadly Snakes, I'm sure none of these bands would ever stand a chance in the Rock Rally). It was necessary.