THE ONLY GOOD TURBO IS A DEAD TURBO

New Turbonegrohit here

FUCK YOU BILL

Don't start the party just yet, the whale is still alive, it's just his fucking computer that died.

NO FAGGOTS ON FRIDAY

Apparently the Jokkes hand got stuck in Timmy's ass during a heavy fistfucksession and they had to cut him loose with a knife. So now de Jokke can't wank the guitar and Timmy can't sit on his drumstool. And that means no Flowers for a Few on friday at the Boemel. Let this be a warning children: always use enough vaseline when fistfucking!

DEEP THROAT

Seventies pornsoundtracks are usually better than the actual movies. I never saw Deep Throat so I wouldn't know but the soundtrack is some weird shit and really makes we want to see the movie even more than I already did. Just a little bit of the funky wahwah bongo action you usually get with porn and a whole lot of weird cocktaildittys, spoken word insanity, crazy hippiefolk and the noise that I sometimes hear before entering the Flowers for a Few-house and magically stops when I open the door (another reason that makes me want to see the movie: I can finally find out what these guys are doing in there). Great stuff!

Listen to some tracks here
Watch the trailer from a documentary about Deep Throat here
Listen to Linda Lovelace introducing Led Zeppelin here

THE BEST VALENTINE'S DAY PARTY EVER

got cancelled! What a bummer.

REGGAEJUNKIEJEW

The Weensong that came alive!

GOE SJOE

"Goo darling" is what antwerp hookers tell their foreign clients when they ask "How was it, honey?" after they finished their business. It's also a band. De Jean's band no less. (Who's de Jean? De Jean is rockstar by day and taxi driver by night!)
Anyway, if you really , really, really don't know what to do on saturdaynight you might want to check out Goo Darling (if you google that name you get some really weird shit by the way) at the Sunshineconcerts in het oude Badhuis, Stuivenbergplein 38, 2060 Antwerpen. 2 other bands are also playing who sound like they're made to be pissed on: The Bliss who play "80's style rock" (ouch) and Analysis who play, get ready for this, "New age/rock ballads" (puke). I bet they make Dark Muddle sound like a killerband!

HEAVY METAL HIGH

I'm not gonna say anything about this accept that High on Fire fucking rules! Just watch the cover and listen to these 2 tracks: 'Devilution' and 'The face of oblivion'.

LA CREPE

In between his busy job of dumbing down the masses and having weird kungfu-sex with his girlfriend my man Jesse F. (no relation with Christiane) still finds time to seek out the crazy sounds, that's a hell of a lot better than most of you lazy motherfuckers who just listen to what I tell you to listen to (or worse, what I don't tell you to listen to, like King Crimson or some other tasteless shit like that). Anyway, he hipped me to this, La Guepe, a series of french and funky compilations of oldschool groovyness. My favorite right now is Volume 2, with 'Rugbymen' by Roger Roger, which sounds I N S A N E!!! And Uele Kalabubu & sa Tribu with 'Afro-disiac', african brothers who make you horny as hell (or hornier, like me, Orca is always horny as you probably already know)! The rest of the record is almost as good.
Volume 1 isn't bad either, but the best song is a funky acidrockmonster by Cane & Able,'Girl you move me'. I'm pretty sure what it is that the girl moves!
(click the songtitles to download the tunes)

Maybe more on the other 2 La Guepes later.

SIMPLE MINDS

First things first: it seems everybody reads this shit yet nobody kicked de Pollet in the balls for thinking Bongo is a good singer. I don't care what you think about Orca was here, I know it's great, it's even better than most of you stupid assholes realise. If you really want to show your appreciation, DO WHAT I SAY! And that means: KICK DE POLLET IN THE BALLS!
On to the stuff you sheep are here for: the second Flowers for a Few show. Everybody seemed to want to suck their dick after the show and I hope they got their dicks sucked 'cause it's been a long time for some of them. They kicked off things fast and loud this time with a smoking Wipers-cover though my man Metal Marc thought it was by the Simple Minds, needless to say he didn't like it very much except for a couple of songs, he will come around! I thought they were a hell of a lot better than at their livedeflowerment, just one tip for their leadsinger: don't play with your back to the audience so often 'cause everybody can see you haven't got an ass and that's fucking weird!
I also saw another good reason why all teenageboys should be killed and it was called Dark Muddle. And I'm sure one guitarflower agrees with me as they fucked up his amp. Turns out these guys didn't even have their own amps, probably 'cause they realise they suck and are smart enough to spend their money on other stuff. Smart boys!
I missed out on the Davolinas 'cause I'm pretty sure they also sucked, that stupid name alone.
Stuff I didn't miss that night:
- teenage lesbian action! That's right: TEENAGE LESBIAN ACTION! (de Pollet's girlfriend said I was imagining things but I'm sure she doesn't see too well being de Pollet's girlfriend and all)
- a whole lot of ugly fuckers from Sharphill Shitty
- a dude with long poodlehair
- the Hypnos 69-dudes all drunk and fucked up, I'm sure they are gonna organize a lot more shows that they don't have to play themselves

Next Flowers-show at the Boemel soon!

extra special bonus: download the Wipers-song here

SEXORGAN

Six Organs of Admittance is actually just one guy who sounds like he flushed down a bunch of pills and trips with some nice fresh bongwater, and that's just when he plays guitar in the mighty Comets on Fire. His solostuff sounds like he just woke up in a haze from the high of the night before, which is even more fucked up.

USA A-OKAY!

Some positive news from our friends, the american goverment:
- those poor prisoners in Guantanamo get better treatment:
from Popbitch:
'>> Guantanemo Girls Gone Wild <<

GI Janes all want to be Jenna Jameson

This American Government may be the most socially
conservative in history, but it's rather
progressive when it comes to torture. A book by
a former American soldier details the sex tricks
played on detainees at Guantanemo Bay, designed
to offend their Islamic faith.

A 21-year-old Saudi was taunted by a woman who
rubbed her breasts against his back and commented
on his erection. When that didn't get him to
confess, another interrogator tried putting
her hands in her pants, lifting them out
covered with (fake) blood and wiping it on his
face. He then "cried like a baby." Another
interrogator liked to keep a thong and
miniskirt hanging on the door of the cell.

Come on Mr Bush - stop pussyfooting around -
just put Paris Hilton in charge of the camp.'

- those lucky americans won't be bothered again by stupid french dj's:

'I am very sorry to have to cancel my forthcoming tour in the United States. I have decided to cancel further to what I consider to be completely unreasonable demands from the US Embassy in France in order to renew my working visa.

In order to obtain this new visa, the rules have once again changed since November 2004 and I would now have to not only fill in an exceedingly probing application form, but also be interviewed by a member of the Embassy staff, and provide proof of ownership of my house, details of my bank account, my mobile phone records, personal information on all my family members and more. I consider these demands to be a complete violation of my privacy and my civil liberties and I refuse to comply.

I am horrified by these new regulations and feel really sad that this is what some call freedom and democracy.

It has now become almost impossible for an artist to come and perform in the United States. And until this new legislation changes I will unfortunately refuse to comply with this nonsense.

Thank you for your understanding.

Laurent Garnier'

LIVE FAGGOTS

Saturday 5 February

HYPNOS 69 presents:

DAVOLINAS (dk) Heavy Crunchrock; new CD out now! www.davolinas.dk

DARK MUDDLE (be) StonerRocknRoll; demo-cd release!

FLOWERS FOR A FEW (be) Legendary psychedelic Rockers playin' again! (legendary for what? For their small dicks and what they do with it I've been told)

doors 20h

CHAMPAGNE JAM

I wonder how it tastes but this is how it sounds according to Ween.